Only a few shopping days left until Christmas! Maybe you’re desperate for gift ideas for all the special runners on your list. And we’re here to help…or something. We’ll never pretend that our advice is the best, or that it’s even good. But it’s most probably about as good as you deserve if you are just starting your shopping now. No offense.
Gift suggestions stolen counterfeited hallucinated compiled by Joe and George.
1. The Rocky’s Restroom Locator Smartphone App
2. Runners’ Car Decals
There’s a silent war going on every weekend morning at the SHHS parking lot. It’s being fought one bumper, one fender at a time, with oval stickers and magnets. It’s all about identity, pride, status, and — best of all — belittling and shaming others who race lesser distances. But what if your friends can’t be pigeonholed (pigeonovaled?) into the most common numbers? Until your weirdo/hippie/emo friends finally learn the value of conformity and intransigent tribalism, may we suggest a vanity decal?
3. For Your Favorite Race Director
Do you have a race director in your life? If you were to ask her what she wants more than anything, she’d probably give the usual answers: a vacation; a new machete; a one way ticket and new identity…or more likely some nonsense about how all she really wants is for her volunteers to have a healthy and happy 2012. But those things aside, what she probably wants most is to make her next event “foolproof and incapable of error.”
But how?
The makers of the Heuristically programmed Algorithmic Race Management System claim to have the answer — the HARMS 9000, the latest achievement in event timing and machine intelligence.
Here are some highlights we coaxed out of their marketing department:
The 9000 series is the most reliable RMS ever made. No 9000 unit has ever made a mistake, distorted information, or given out the wrong award.
Main features:
- Natural language voice interface
- No more clumsy chips, bibs, or tags. The HARMS 9000 just knows.
- Advanced Predictive Analytics (APA) means complete and accurate race results are ready and posted 45 minutes before the race even starts
- Performs/regulates all major and minor peripheral tasks, including sponsorship, parking, hydration, photography, and drug testing
- Customer Service Logic Module (CSLM) smoothly handles irate participants with incalculably greater speed and reliability*
* If necessary, by casting them out to drift and spin for eternity in the cold, dark, lonely vacuum of unbounded space. Or terminating their life support. Whatever’s easier.
ALL NEW for 2012:
- Volunteer crew psychology reports
- Plays chess
- Sings songs
- Completely redesigned OFF switch
4. Running Apparel
Do you have a friend who is struggling to reconcile the winter weather with his implacable need to run shirtless? Do you know someone who runs the roads in the dark? A new mom? A germophobe? A lean, long-limbed gal who pays for her speed with an extreme sensitivity to cold?
5. For Music Lovers
As we like to say, you can never go wrong with the gift of music, except when you do.
For the runner who never goes for a run without an iPod strapped on, here’s the perfect album to play during those long runs on the beautiful trails in Rocky’s:
Autumn Forest: Relaxing Sounds of Nature
by Sounds of Nature
WTC history buffs will enjoy listening to Coach Mike’s musical work from the early 1960s, when he was the leader of his own fab 4 band. Their self-titled debut album
THE BARNOWS was an immediate sensation thanks to their catchy rendition of
“She loves you yeah yeah yeah.”
And who could forget these classics?
“Eight Runs a Week”
“Hello, Goodbye,” (Lapper version)
“Rocky’s Raccoon” (Rabid version)
“Lady Chelanga”
“Run Together”
“The Long and Winding Trail”
“Sweet Madaline”
“Stretch and Shout”
“The Ballad of Hiro and Yuki”
“Strawberry Fields Mile Marker”
“We Can Work(it)out”
“I Want to Hold Your Hans”
“I Am the Waldrus”
“The Fool on Barf Hill”
Looking ahead to November 2012, sign up now to get your copy of:
Sounds of the NYCM (MP26.2 download only)
Take the sounds of the word’s greatest marathon with you!
(Please specify: Men’s or Women’s, download size, and expected listening time)
Includes:
“Pink Staten Sunrise”
“Wheat (bagel)”
“You & I & 47,000 Others”
“That Super Pace”
“Run with Lance”
“Run from Lance”
“P-Diddy: Pimp Your Run”
“The Mile 26 Crasher” (warning: explicit)
“Barefoot Lucy!” (warning: explicit)
Bonus track for the ride home:
“The Wheels on the Bus” (warning: explicit)
6. Dear Santa, All I Want for Christmas Is an Open Lane
It’s a sad fact many of us live with, especially on Wednesday evenings from April through October. Despite a comprehensive public education program begun by the U.N. in the 1950s, some people still don’t know the basic rules of recreational track etiquette. Chief among them is that lane 1 (a.k.a. the “innermost” lane) should always be kept safe and clear for athletes doing speedwork training.
As a public service, we thought we’d offer some helpful, undisputed, and unambiguous examples of What Lane 1 is NOT For:
- Walkers
- Joggers
- Strollers
- Baby strollers
- Wanderers
- Drifters
- Smokers
- Toddlers
- Smoking toddlers
- Pets
- Livestock
- Karaoke
- Half-dead people who just crawled out of the desert
- Genetic experiments
- Stargazing
- Synchrotron x-ray grating interferometers
- Sitting & stretching
- Jumping rope
- Judicial executions (except in Texas)
- Tonsillectomies/adenoidectomies
- Watching soccer/lacrosse/football games
- Bicycles
- Scooters
- Skateboards
- Food carts
- Funerals
- Oil changes
- Gift wrapping stations
- Laying out your clothes for tomorrow
- Fans of Dancing with the Stars, no matter what you are doing
- Long, soul-crushing monologues about all the stupid things your un-ba-lievable coworker had the nerve, the nerve! to say today
With that out of the way, yes, we did come up with a couple of suggestions:
Please clear the lane. You have 20 seconds to comply.
7. Real Stuff We Found “Out There”
Quick ideas:
POY (Post of the Year).
Also for the enthusiastic winter runner:
- tiny running shorts for sub-freezing temperatures
- ostentacious ski hat that draws more attention than warmth
- “magic” elastic knit gloves that magically disappear soon after two uses
- pillow and sleeping bag for waiting for a race at Thursday Night at the Races at the Armory
Omg, The album covers are too much!!! The whole thing is awesome. Looking forward to getting the Harms as a gift!