Taking place on two consecutive evenings this week is one of the biggest annual (non-marathon) racing events in the city — the Corporations Are People Too Challenge. For those of you who will be out there en masse, competing for personal pride and company bragging rights, we’ve selected a few choice excerpts from the event’s comprehensive Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) page.
— by Joe, inspired by two friends who will be racing it, but asked not to be identified because they like their jobs. Well, one of them does, anyway.
What kind of restroom facilities will be available?
We’ve arranged for plenty of portable toilets in the registration and start/finish areas, as well as at select points on the course. There will be a $2 service fee (per transaction) for using the toilets. This fee is in addition to any fee your financial institution may charge.
It’s always hot and humid for these June races. What about water stations?
Water stops will be set up at half mile intervals along the course. For your health and safety, please take advantage of them to stay properly hydrated, because, as everyone knows, if you wait until you feel thirsty, it’s already too late. (This is an almost unbelievable epic fail of the human thirst mechanism, flying right in the face of millions of years of otherwise efficient, if remorseless, natural selection.) Water and volunteers courtesy of Gowanus Canal Spring Water. There is a zero-tolerance no smoking zone within 50 feet of all water stops, mandated by the FDNY.
I signed up my company online, but did not receive a confirmation. What should I do?
If you signed up before April we may have lost your registration information, along with a couple of billion dollars, in a bad trade rooted in a hedging strategy that backfired. Just sign up again.
When will there be a race in my city?
We’re expanding our events to more and more cities across the globe every year. Please note, all races technically take place in Delaware, the Cayman Islands, or Somalia.
Where does my entry fee go?
Revenues that exceed event expenses will go directly to the Needy Chief Executive Outreach Fund. Any team that raises at least $1B dollars for the fund will receive free bright orange “LIVEEGREGIOUS” wristbands.
Where can I find race day instructions and guidelines?
We are opposed on principle to job-killing rules and regulations. There will never be any marshals, course markers, or timing clocks at our events. If you must bring your own, please place them in a clear plastic bag. Be prepared to share the course and yield to commercial vehicular traffic, including, but not limited to, trucks and tankers transporting Class A explosives, fluorine, chlorine, hydrogen cyanide, radioactive waste, and biological pathogens.
How are the results compiled?
Results will be compiled using the TLAB race scoring system, and will be certified within 5 business days by the accounting firm of Destruction, Destruction, Humiliation and Regret, LLP., overseen by Woodchips and Mulch, Attorneys at Law. Age-graded (AG) performance results will be capped at 15% above the Prime Rate on the day of the race. Past performance does not guarantee future results.
I work for Wikileaks. Can we send a team to the event?
Yes, please report directly to the Extraordinary Rendition VIP tent before the race.
I work for Anonymous. Can we send a team to the event?
Yes, all Anonymous hacktivists can register for free and will receive unlimited complimentary waffles, whipped cream, jelly donuts, root beer, and ice cream. *
* Author’s note: The original answer appears to have been modified and locked by an unauthorized user.
From the Hill 